The Heaviest Stars

Okay, so I have FINALLY fallen out of my slump, which is a relief! It’s weird because many times when I get in a slump, I think I’m okay and don’t even realize that I’m still in a slump until I finally start feeling like myself again and then I think, “Oh wow, I was even kidding MYSELF that I was happy.” I had that feeling when I arrived in Australia and I didn’t even realize that I was in a slump during the entire time that I was in Saskatoon. And now, it’s happened again and I finally feel like myself. My coworker made a comment that I was different today, like really happy. And Gabi made comments both today and yesterday that I seemed normal again. She said that when she first met me, I seemed a lot happier and she was starting to see that from me again. So I’m happy to say that I’m back! :) 

Anyway, today I felt extremely inspired to write a blog post. I wish someone would just invent something that would transfer all of my thoughts onto my “Notes” app on my laptop! So many thoughts go through my head at work and there have been multiple times when I’ve wished I could have my thoughts transferred over. Usually, I just have to make a list in my brain and then when I finally have a break, I run to my phone and I’ll jot all of my ideas down (at least, the ones I can remember). Gabi’s so awesome because as soon as she sees me frantically typing on my laptop at home, she knows that I have motivation (which doesn’t last long) and she’ll leave me alone, PLUS make me dinner haha I am EXTREMELY grateful to have such an understanding roommate! :) 

So as most of you know, I’m always thinking. My mind is on constant overdrive at all moments of the day. I do crossword puzzles for fun… And that’s why this job at the tomato farm is both good and bad. Every day, I get seven hours to think about anything I choose. Usually, I’m a productive and positive thinker, but occasionally I get caught up in my thoughts and end up dragging myself down (luckily, this doesn’t happen very often). Before I had this job and wasn’t given the luxury of  thinking all day, I would literally set my alarm a half hour earlier than necessary, JUST so I could have a cup of coffee, sit, stare into space, and think. Last week, my mom sent me a photo that described me so accurately. 

This has happened often, where I lose track of time and I get lost in my thoughts. When Sonia and I first came here, we decided to use our time in Warragul as I kind of retreat, where we work on ourselves - eating right, living right, budgeting right, planning right, etc. I’m pretty sure that’s why my thinking has increased exponentially. But I don’t think of it as a bad thing! As a matter of fact, I highly encourage everyone to do at least one job like this in their lifetime. A job that isn’t mentally stimulating and gives you the chance to reflect on life - on who you want to be, the people you want to attract, and on what you want to do. All the time, people tell me that I think too much. Trust me, I know this information. When I was a teenager, I bought a self-help book for Overthinkers. I don’t think I actually finished it… BUT I have learned how to think in a way that benefits me. I weigh out all of my options and once I decide that something’s worth it, I set my mind to it and I make it happen. And once I set my mind to something, there’s no point in trying to change it because the chances of actually changing my mind are very slim. Therefore, I tend to just get extremely annoyed when people actually try. Which is why often times if I want to do something, I don’t tell anyone until I have already gotten the ball rolling. Like when I moved to London and Australia, or bought my tickets to Asia. Which brings me to the next thing I discovered about myself… 

I HATE suggestions. I didn’t realize that they were such a big problem for me until I really started to think about it today. I have been pretty independent my entire life, and I have always made decisions that I thought would be best for me. I’ve been given plenty of time to reflect on myself and my life, and I’ve put myself in multiple situations that were waaaaaay outside of my comfort zone, in order to see what I would be capable of, as well as give myself the chance to grow as a person. I have expanded my points of view, listened to various opinions, and lived amongst many cultures. If I were to look back on myself and on my life, I’d like to think that I’ve done a pretty good job at shaping it. I’ve lived in four countries and travelled to 43 others, I’ve finished two university degrees, paid off my tuition and car, have zero debt, met tons of amazing people, and I’m still continuing to achieve my goals. One of my friends sent me a message last week, and it meant so much to me. 

Often times, I have moments where I wonder if I’m being too selfish and I feel guilty for leaving, or I wonder if I’m doing everything wrong because everyone back at home seems to be settling down while I’m still out doing my own thing. But then I realize that this is what I want, this is what I’ve worked hard to achieve, and this is what I need right now. Which is why I always find it so annoying when people ask me why I do things a certain way, or suggest that I do something different. I hear the comments all the time: “Why don’t you go back to Canada?” “Why are you working in a restaurant instead of teaching in Saskatoon?” “Why don’t you sell  your car?” “Why are you working at the farm for so long?” “Don’t you think it would be better if you worked somewhere else?” And my personal favourite: “Don’t you wish you were in a relationship?” Trust me, I’m sure I’ve spent hours asking myself those same questions, making pro and con lists, weighing out all of my options, and deciding what the best option would be. I live my life for me and while I appreciate other peoples’ input every once in awhile, I likely won’t change my mind. And I would never do that to someone else - “Why do you spend all of your money on clothes and makeup?” “Don’t you think it would be better if you didn’t go to the casino so much?” “Why do you spend all of your evenings watching television?” We all live in different ways and we all only have one life to live, so maybe my idea of life is different from your idea of life, but it doesn’t mean that someone is right and someone is wrong. We benefit from different things, different experiences, and we all have different mindsets. If people are curious and want to ask questions, that’s fine, but I strongly suggest (haha) not making any suggestions to me because I’ll just end up getting annoyed and defensive. However, if you seriously think I’m making a terrible life decision, then PLEASE let me know :) 

The other main thing that I was thinking about today was the quality of relationships that I attract and strive for in my life. By relationships, I mean any form of interaction with another person, be it a friend, a family member, or otherwise. My mom had asked me how my place was with the new landlord and I replied that it’s been really great. Paul has been extremely welcoming, friendly, and he makes us feel at home. I told her how I got home on Friday night and Paul offered me a beer, and we had a deep conversation about quantum physics, religion, and energy. Her response was, “Janelle, who talks about quantum physics?!” Well, I do. Actually, I’ve had quite a few conversations about quantum physics or energy with multiple people, most of whom are travellers. I love it when someone brings it up and has something new for me to learn! I guarantee that if anyone brings it up in a conversation, you will have me hooked. I know that I am way more fulfilled with having deep and meaningful conversations rather than the surface-level conversations that you can have with just about anyone. I much prefer one-on-one conversations rather than being in group settings where I can hardly get a word in edgeways. I truly think that the energy that you give off has a major impact on the people around you. I have also started to realize that the type of energy I give off has attracted people with the same type of energy to come into my life. Some people might just call it “good vibes” or someone they “vibe with,” but you all should understand what I mean to a degree. Living in the same city while growing up, I ended up staying around the same people and I didn’t really have many opportunities to find many people who I really vibe with. I used to find it SO rare to meet someone who I just clicked with - who had the same ideas about life and who just understood me. However, I’ve noticed that during the past two and a half years, there have been so many new people who have come into my life, who I’ve just instantly clicked with. It was bizarre to me at first, but now I’ve just been accepting it, and I love the idea that the universe wants us to meet because of the energies we’re giving off. Call me crazy, but there’s something to it! It’s those people who I could just end up spending one day with, and when I have to say goodbye to them, I feel empty inside, like I just lost a friend. I actually have to spend an entire day grieving because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again, and the connection I felt was so strong. It’s weird to explain, but I think it’s important for everyone to find as many of these types of connections as possible, because it’s so fulfilling! 

Anyway, those are the main things that were going through my head today. Maybe next time I write a blog post, I’ll actually write what I’ve been up to… Hope everyone’s doing well! Love always

The Heaviest Stars - Ford Turrell